drain bramage… or, WWII for the 31337…

*7:42PM* “WWII for the 1337”
*7:42PM*
Hitler is talking to these people
*7:42PM*
and he’s like
*7:43PM*
“ph34r, i r 1337”
*7:43PM*
and they are all like, “omgz k”
*7:43PM*
thus, hitler rises to power in germany
*7:43PM*
now
*7:43PM*
the british and french are like “wtf”
*7:43PM*
so they talk to him
*7:43PM*
and they’re like “d00d wtf r u doing”
*7:43PM*
now
*7:44PM*
well
*7:44PM*
we’ll skip in the middle
*7:44PM*
September 1st, 1939
*7:44PM*
Hitler invades poland
*7:44PM*
the polish are like “omg wtf”
*7:44PM*
and the germans are like “ph34r”
*7:44PM*
polish are like “wtf no”
*7:44PM*
and then the germans pwn them all
*7:44PM*
poland falls to the germans
*7:45PM*
next they march through belgium to go around the maginot line
*7:45PM*
the french thought they were 1337 with that maginot line, but they were just n00bs
*7:45PM*
anyhow
*7:45PM*
with hitler marching through neutral belgium, the british are like “omg wtf”
*7:45PM*
eventually, hitler gets through poland and attacks france, bypassing the maginot line
*7:45PM*
the french are like “omg h4x”
*7:46PM*
and the germans are, again, like “ph34r”
*7:46PM*
France falls
*7:46PM*
Britain now becomes involved in active combat against the germans
*7:46PM*
now, there are about 300,000 british and french soldiers on the beaches of dunkirk
*7:47PM*
and the germans are coming, they’re all like “omgz pwn”
*7:47PM*
and winston churchill says “n00bs, no”
*7:47PM*
then all the british begin h4xing
*7:47PM*
most of those 300,000 men are rescued and pwn another day
*7:47PM*
things quiet down for a bit
*7:48PM*
anyway
*7:48PM*
things are quiet until hitler decides he’d like to invade russia
*7:48PM*
so, he does
*7:48PM*
the russians are like “OMG WTF D00DZ, STOP TKING”
*7:48PM*
and the germans are still like “omg ph34r n00bz”
*7:48PM*
the russians fall back, all the way to moscow
*7:48PM*
and then they all begin h4xing, which brings on the russian winter
*7:49PM*
the germans are like “wtf, h4x”
*7:49PM*
now, the russians are like “omgz pwn”
*7:49PM*
and so, the russians begin pushing the germans out of the soviet union
*7:49PM*
so there you have it in europe
*7:49PM*
but what’s happening in the pacific?
*7:50PM*
now
*7:50PM*
japanese relations with the US had been deteriorating
*7:50PM*
in fact, the japanese bought scrap metal off us up until a few days before pearl harbor
*7:50PM*
the US was just like “omgz k”
*7:51PM*
and the japs were like “thx”
*7:51PM*
suddenly, on december 7th, the japanese attack pearl harbor, hawaii
*7:51PM*
the americans are like “WTF”
*7:51PM*
and the japanese, like their german allies, are all “omgz ph34r”
*7:51PM*
seeing as the US had not developed proper h4x yet, they were unable to repel the onslaught
*7:52PM*
roosevelt orders immediate h4xing, and war is declared upon the empire of japan
*7:52PM*
the japanese were very 1337
*7:52PM*
they really knew how to h4x0rz
*7:53PM*
so the us suffered a string of defeats
*7:53PM*
until an obscure island known as midway becomes a very pivotal point on the map
*7:53PM*
the japanese sent out a 1337 battle fleet to take and occupy midway
*7:54PM*
the americans, now becoming fluent in their h4xing abilities, managed to h4x the japanese code
*7:54PM*
and learned of the plot
*7:54PM*
so they sent out some h4xing vessels…er..i mean aircraft carriers, destroyers, and one or two submarines to deal with the japanese threat
*7:54PM*
the japanese began their attack on midway
*7:55PM*
they immediately were like “WTF are these planez0rz and shipz0rz doing here?”
*7:55PM*
the americans are now like “omgz pwn”
*7:55PM*
they now had the h4x with them, and sunkz0rz four front line japanese aircraft carriers, a major defeat for the japanese
*7:56PM*
from this point on, the japanese would be playing a defensive battle for the rest of the war
*7:56PM*
now, back to europe
*7:56PM*
the year is now 1944
*7:56PM*
the US 8th air force has been pwning the german industry by the air for some time now
*7:56PM*
the british have been pwning them at night
*7:57PM*
eisenhower the 1337 feels that it is time to stage the attack on fortress europe
*7:57PM*
and thus, on june 6, 1944, operation overlord commenced
*7:58PM*
the germans were like “wtf r they doing here”, because we had h4xed them into believing the landing sites would be at calaise, far from the actual landing zones
*7:58PM*
still, they put up a very 1337 fight
*7:58PM*
rommel had wanted to use his 1337 panzer divisions to drive the allies into the sea
*7:58PM*
but hitler was like “Wtf n00b, no, stfu”
*7:59PM*
because of this, the allies were able to establish a beachhead and begin landing their massive amounts of war materiel
*7:59PM*
after the beaches, facing the allies were many large bushes called bocage
*7:59PM*
crisscrossing the french countryside
*8:00PM*
the germans camped in them, waiting to pwn anyone who dared to go through
*8:00PM*
this posed a severe problem for the allies
*8:00PM*
some ingenious engineers, however, devised a contraption that, when fitted to the hull of a tank, could cut through the dense bocage
*8:01PM*
when the germans first encountered vehicles with these contraptions, they were like “omgz wtf, h4x0rz”
*8:01PM*
the americans were like “omgz pwn”
*8:01PM*
though the fight was still tough, and many allied tanks and men were lost
*8:02PM*
but the germans would not be lasting much longer
*8:02PM*
with 1337 allied air cover now completely pwning the skies, they could now concentrate on close air support
*8:02PM*
the germans now got to experience this on the receiving end
*8:02PM*
needless to say, they were all going “omg wtf”
*8:03PM*
with the russians having pushed the germans completely out of their homeland, the end was near for the third reich
*8:03PM*
soon the allies reached the rhine river
*8:03PM*
the germans, crafty as ever, blew up all the bridges across
*8:03PM*
except one
*8:03PM*
then some 1337 allies in some jeepz0rz ran across it
*8:03PM*
the germans were like “OMGZ H4X”
*8:04PM*
the allies had entered germany itself
*8:04PM*
much fighting ensued, and eventually they reached berlin after much pwnage being dealt from both sides
*8:04PM*
the russians, vengeful as ever, were allowed to enter berlin first
*8:04PM*
where they proceeded to pwn everything, no matter what in hell it was
*8:05PM*
hitler comes to his senses and goes “wtf…”
*8:05PM*
he and his mistress commit suicide in an underground bunker deep in germany
*8:05PM*
the war in europe is over.
*8:06PM*
meanwhile in the pacific…..
*8:06PM*
with the americans having dealt a major blow to the japanese at midway, they press their luck further
*8:06PM*
they begin pwning islands
*8:06PM*
island after island falls
*8:06PM*
iwo jima falls
*8:06PM*
okinawa falls
*8:07PM*
not wanting to risk the insanely high casualty rate of an invasion of japan, the president decides to drop two atomic bombs
*8:07PM*
the japanese surrender
*8:07PM*
world war two is over
*8:07PM*
everyone goes home and gets laid
*8:07PM*
the end

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2 comments to drain bramage… or, WWII for the 31337…

  • That’s amusing, but it makes my brain hurt.
    It’s exceptionally painful for me to read as one of my language pet peeves is:
    noun “were like” statement,
    or alternatively
    noun & verb/ adverb “and goes” statement
    i.e. the americans were like “omgz pwn” or
    hitler comes to his senses and goes “wtf…”

    Akk


  • I loved it! I’m gonna use this to explain WWII to my daughter… :>

    And no shit I DID understand the gist of it all, but can you PLEEZE tell me exactly what 1337, ph34r, omgz k, h4x, h4x0rz, and “Wtf n00b, no, stfu” actually mean?

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