when they send a combat unit out now a days, they send a shrink with them.
when that guy has problems, they send them to my friend john.
john is my go to when i roll a one on interpersonal relationships.
in this latest mess, he told me to spend 2 hours a day, for a week, with no phone, no computer, no distractions and write down everything i hate about her.
“that we didn’t have an honest chance to fix it” was the end result of that, and that’s not on her, that’s on both of us.
i honestly have no idea what went wrong, nor where, but as my “friends” *weaponize my words* and use them against me, well, i need to say some shit, and i’m saying it here. (no one reads this blog anyway, and, well, if something happens to me in panama, the people who matter to me will find this eventually, right?)
so yeah… “that we didn’t have an honest chance to fix it”.
… then i was supposed to write down everything else. same assignment, “everything else i have to say”.
i think the intent was to clarify my thoughts, so i can “chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on”.
you know, ’cause it’s easy to move on if you hate someone.
i was supposed to put it in an envelope and mail it to her.
couldn’t do it. seems like too much of a trap.
so i wrote it out in a hand made leather bound journal, and had her oldest friend deliver it.
she never read it, and they aren’t friends anymore. *shrug*
there were a few people who were privy to this.
people i trusted.
one of you betrayed that trust.
so, before someone weaponizes this behind my back, here’s that “everything else i have to say”
this was, by far, the hardest thing i have ever done.
the contents of that book read thusly:
when william gibson penned “The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel”, he could have been speaking about my head space the day i met her.
it was early summer, 2012, and things were bleak.
i was going through the motions. i had owned all my bullshit, and set everything moving as needed, but it was hollow. my life was empty.
i won the war, but the sheer cost of it to my mental health and well being… well, it was a pyrrhic victory at best.
i think it was june… i was helping one of the few people that had really been there for me, strip and replace the roof on their home.
for the most part no one wanted to be around me then, one assumes because no one wants to see their heroes turn into a mess.
this is why they never age, or they die at 27.
but i digress.
tall, blonde, built like the badass chick in most of my favorite movies. you know the one.
(i don’t care what she says, i’m absolutely certain she can fight in heels).
even now, i know exactly what she smells like.
a tropical beach, a hint of coconut. like one of those big drinks with a sword *and* an umbrella in it.
i felt her presence long before she pulled in the yard.
i didn’t see her get out of the truck. i felt it though.
as she approached, the fog in my head was starting to clear, and the calm rolled in.
i could focus. the stress started draining away.
“you don’t stand a hope in hell with that one son” … said the voice in the back of my head.
maybe not, but i need to know her.
“you’re going to regret this”
no, no i won’t. not for a single solitary minute.
lordy but she’s pretty.
the sun makes her hair shine… she moves like a dancer.
i need to get this roof done so i can go talk to her.
she impressed me with her mom muscles and the way she jumped right in to help.
she was polite, soft spoken, well spoken, distant and reserved… clearly troubled by something.
i never would have guessed she had a kid, but her little one is the most amazing child i have ever met.
her little one is fearless, smart as a whip, and an amazing young lady. very much like her mother.
i knew then that as long as this woman was in my life, everything was going to be ok.
back to back and take over the world.
there was lot of craziness between that day, and our first date, but it was lovely.
i have never told a woman i was going to take her to the beach, kiss her, and make it rain fire from the heavens before.
i believe, that everyone, in their lives, gets one movie worthy moment, and that one was mine.
we’ve watched movies together while miles apart… skype.
she watched her copy, i watched mine, and we pretended we were in the same room together.
i still feel silly about those movie sessions and how excited i was for them, but it is one of hundreds of favorite memories of her.
i think it was the first day when we figured out that good coffee was our jam.
never needed a coffee budget before, but you know when the local dutch brothers treats you like a rock star power couple, you have arrived.
she didn’t laugh at me when she found out i loved railroads of any sort, and had a model one of my own.
instead she took me on a steam train.
all sorts of things like that.
chocolate tour in portland because why not?
i remember when she got all excited about deer in her backyard… it made me laugh with her.
all the conversations about both of us getting stronger, together.
i don’t think she ever quite understood that, since we met, not a day passed that i did not treasure her.
she inspired me to get my life back on track and moving again.
to finish a lot of unfinished bits in my life, to start pulling the broken pieces together and to be a better man in general.
kintsugi for the win.
her endless spirit and drive on anything we were working on, made things move quickly.
she’s a powerhouse. puts her mind to it and shit gets done quick.
… and then she would thank me for including her.
it truly made a difference, and inspired me to continue. i could not have done it without her.
doing the kitchen floor when we were both too tired to think is a special moment to me.
she told me once she wouldn’t judge me, and that i could vent at her, cause everyone needed an outlet, and she had my back.
she’s the only person to ever tell me they appreciated me.
she told me once that i deserve someone who will dress up for me.
i swear this woman has made me blush more than anyone in the history of the world.
out of the blue one day, she told me would not leave me to the enemy. i was mortified. not because of what she said, but because my fears were so obvious.
she didn’t seem to mind. she was in it, to win it, with me.
that was the greatest day of my life. i had found my soul mate, and life looked brighter than it ever had.
i asked her once “how is the prettiest girl i know this glorious morning?” she told me her little one was doing fantastic. it was super adorable.
her and her little one helped me wash my giant tent once. i can still hear the laughter.
she wrote the most wonderful things on my ceiling, and when it was time to move them, she spent long hours carefully preserving them, as they are extremely important to me.
she gave them the respect they were due.
the little notes and folded paper hearts literally everywhere in my house.
it was really odd being part of a family, since i didn’t get to experience that growing up, the depth of my love for both of them is bottomless, and i will hold space for them for the rest of my days.
the comfortable silence when we were in the same room.
i’ve always been cool with that, and i was happy to find out she was also.
she understood that i can’t be on all the time, and it wasn’t a problem.
that sense of pride that i matter to someone.
i felt like i could do anything whenever we walked arm and arm into anywhere, be it the theater or a family function, the “bring it” was implied, and it was good.
is… is that an adventure book? i wanted to wag my tail when i saw it.
all of the things her and i did at the olympia center, being undercover famous.
car camping and bus exploring in oregon…
the way she hums to herself in the car sometimes. it makes me want to sing, and that’s a new thing for me.
“i didn’t rip a hole in the space time continuum” made me proud. hard to explain to anyone else though.
the “argument” we had when she told me i was worth spending her last dollars on.
lots of agreement on how a team works, and the utter joy of being on the same page.
the weirdness of explaining who azrayel is and why she highly approved of us (i believe i said her and i were tony stark and pepper pots, and azrayel was jarvis, lol)
her love for my analogies like the one above.
the way she edified me to all who would listen.
the elegance when we decide to make an entrance.
the long talks and adventure on the kansas trip.
the international woman of mystery safe cracking photo shoot. (everything about the governors ball really)
her poise, her grace. it made me all gooey when she walks into a room.
she didn’t scoff at me when i said i could roller skate and would like to see if i still could.
just standing there, holding each other with our foreheads together. … and that i never had to explain it.
all the stress, the fears, the inadequacies… they melt, and flow away like molten silver when she does that to me.
“you are the queen, fighting isn’t your job” i remember telling her once.
“protecting you is my job, and sometimes that means I will have to fight for you as well.” surprised me, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy all over. and more importantly, safe.
“every man needs a good woman when his life is a mess, because just like in a game of chess, the queen protects the king”
was the foundation upon which we built our love and our life, and it was wondrous to watch.
“No one ever said it was easy being the king, nor cheap. Not even when you accept willingly would it be easy.”
she said with a smile.
the way she went out of her way to reassure me that my constant weight struggle was not a turn off.
when i was trying to figure out why my jeans were getting smaller while i was losing weight.
(seems she liked my butt in my 501’s, and was therefore washing them in hot water on purpose)
she bought me a heart monitor to help me work through the terrifying fear my mother’s heart attack left in me.
it is the most thoughtful gift i have ever received.
the way she knew i was doing the best i could, and made “best boyfriend ever” posts to facebook all the time.
it helped shore up the crushing self doubt as i unpacked the mess that is my baggage.
“ready or not, here i come”
i was born ready.
“I love your eyes and the way they sparkle when you are talking about something you are enthusiastic about, the way you smile when you are enjoying yourself and you think no one else is looking.”
is one of the sweetest things i have ever heard.
i love showing her stuff. i live for it. they really sparkle when i talk about her.
i was really surprised when she called me elegant, suave, and sophisticated all in the same sentence.
the way she went out of her way to tell me she missed me.
i was so amazed to have a partner that could do everything, that i was in shock for probably a year.
“I miss hearing you laugh. I miss seeing your eyes light up. I miss your breath on my neck. I miss feeling you in bed beside me and your arms wrapped around me.”
the idea someone would miss me is alien to me, but i was learning fast.
the feeling of joy when i realized that she actually cared about the world, and voted…
the fact that she too made note of how obama’s speeches always start with michelle (just as mine always start with her, and whatever we were talking about)
the hours she spent reassuring me that she was tough, and there were no such things as mistakes, just experiences.
one of my favorite social media things ever, was how she would always make a big deal about the thousands of dollars worth of shoes she absolutely had to have (and i would get to act all put upon about) … when in reality the budget was totally reasonable.
standing back to back with her and taking on the world was so natural, so comfortable, so easy, that it felt like we had the cheat code to life.
with her by my side, i was fearless