Martha Stewart is a spawn of the devil.

(No one can do that much decoupage without calling on some darker power…)

happy sysadmin day (July 26)

Never write down any error messages. Just click “Ok” or restart your computer. kevin likes to guess what the error message was.

When talking about your computer, use terms like “Thingy” and “Big Connector.”

If you get a EXE file in a email attachment, open it immediately. kevin likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly from time to time.

When sending someone your document via email, always assume that they have all the same software installed that you do.

When kevin says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It’s no problem for him to remember your password.

When you call kevin to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. kevin doesn’t have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

When kevin sends you an email marked as “Highly Important” or “Action Required”, delete it at once. He’s probably just testing some new Email software feature, anyhow.

When kevin is eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in and spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. kevin exists only to serve and is always ready to think about fixing computers.

When kevin is at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don’t have email or a telephone line.

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn’t work, call kevin. There’s electronics in it, right?

When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call kevin. He can even fix telephone problems from remote locations too.

When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on kevin’s chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. He just loves a good mystery.

When you have kevin on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the newspaper. kevin doesn’t actually mean for you to DO anything; he just loves to hear himself talk.

When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade; don’t bother to sign up. kevin will be there to hold your hand after it is done.

When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps. Right?

If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. kevin will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.

When kevin’s fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he’s slightly dizzy from hunger.

Don’t ever thank kevin. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

When kevin asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on your computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing on them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame kevin for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it’s not your fault that there’s a half a pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.

When you get the message saying “Are you sure?”, click on that “Yes” button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap.” It never bothers kevin to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

When you need to add paper to the printer, call kevin. Changing the paper is an extremely menial task, and both Hewlett Packard and Lexmark recommend that it be performed only by certified network administrators with lots of time on their hands.

When you receive a 130-megabyte movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. kevin’s provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server just for those important kinds of things.

Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 427-page Excel spreadsheet.

When you bump into kevin in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer question. He works 24/7, even while at Dominick’s buying toilet paper and doggie treats.

If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. kevin will be there for you when your son’s illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.

When you bring kevin your own ” no-name” brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He’ll get right on it right away because he has so much free time at the office. Everybody knows that all he does is surf the Internet all day anyway.
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