“You’ve never heard of Pennsic?…It’s a great war, the loser gets to keep Pittsburgh.”

Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes

Frodo Baggins of Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle Earth, has been called before the International Criminal Court to answer charges of war crimes brought by Sauron the Dark Lord and Saruman the White in a joint filing.

Baggins refused comment on the matter from his home at Bag End, simply moaning and holding his head. But his former valet and gardener (now mayor of Hobbiton) Samwise Gamgee spoke with reporters from his “bit of garden,” saying that “you people ought to know better, coming here bothering my master and trampling my taters and all. This is just about the dumbest thing I’ve heard of since Master Merry and Master Pippin started up that Broadway show of theirs. That didn’t work out so well, either, but all’s well as ends better, as my Gaffer used to say.” Gamgee was referring to the spectacular failure of “Mount Doom – the Musical,” which debuted on Broadway last year and closed the same night, bankrupting its producers and principal investors Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland and Peregrine Took of the Tookland, both in the Shire.

The charges brought by Sauron and Saruman are serious and were commented on at length by the Dark Lord himself at a press conference held after he delivered the formal papers to the Court. As a full signatory to the Court’s original charter, Sauron is legally entitled to bring charges before the Court, and the Court’s decision will be binding on Mr. Baggins, per the charter establishing the authority of the Court over the entire world, whether the particular defendant lives in a member country or not. The Shire has repeatedly refused to ratify a proposal to join the Court; the proposal has languished in the legislature, bogged down by stalling tactics employed by right-wing and unilateralist legislators intent on blocking it. Gondor and Rohan have likewise not joined the ICC, for similar obstructionist reasons.

“Mr.Baggins is guilty of some of the most egregious violations of International Law as expressed in the Court’s founding documents and must be brought to answer for his inhumane actions,” Sauron said from the cardboard box behind the Emyn Muil 7-11 he’s been living in since the scandalous and irresponsible destruction of Sauron’s Ruling Ring brought about the downfall of his Empire several years ago. “He’s obviously guilty of violating several provisions of Article 8, Section 2, especially the ‘outrage against personal dignity’ clause and the ‘excessive incidental death, injury or damage’ clause. When the armies of the Western Alliance marched up to the Black Gate, they were guilty of making illegal aggressive war against a sovereign nation. Our legal team plans to bring separate suits against Aragorn son of Arathorn, the Elfstone King Elessar of Gondor. Also King Eomer of the Riddermark and Elrond Halfelven of Rivendell. But we chose to pursue the suit against Baggins first, since his was the most damaging and egregious crime.”

Baggins was responsible for casting the Ring of Power (otherwise known as the One Ring or simply the One) into the fires of Mount Orodruin in Mordor (“Where The Shadows Lie!” according to the Mordor Tourism Board), thereby destroying both the Ring and Sauron’s long-standing hope to bring heretofore fractious and inefficient Middle Earth under the central political control of the Dark Tower. Without the Ring, Sauron’s legions (defensive in nature and made necessary by the Lords of the West’s aggression, according to Barad-Dur spokesmen) of orcs, wolves, trolls, and “evil” Men lost the will to fight and became helpless in the face of the armies of the West. Millions were slaughtered as a direct and immediate consequence of the destruction of the Ring.

Saruman had his own comments on the charges. “The swaggering little cock-a-whoops cast me out, forcing me to live as a beggar wandering through the wilderness of Middle Earth. They brought their own house to ruin when they destroyed mine, and someone has to pay for it,” said Saruman, formerly known for his sartorial finesse but now dressed only in torn, filthy rags. Saruman is demanding the right of return to his former home at Orthanc in Isengard, which has been occupied since the so-called “War of the Ring” by Ents, Elves, and other folk.

Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring, Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests of the Dark Lord’s religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul. Saruman said that the destruction of the pits and forges of Isengard, where he had genetically-engineered his Fighting Uruk-Hai breed of half-orcs, half-men, was done in blatant disregard for the religious rights of an indigenous people. “All my Uruks wanted was the basic human right to practice their religion and to live with their neighbors in peace,” said Saruman. “But they were forcibly removed from their homes and slaughtered like cattle by the Riders of Rohan. It was, well, completely inhuman.” Saruman then broke down in a touching display of emotion and was tended to by his servant Wormtongue. He refused any further comment.

Baggins was defended in a public statement released by Gandalf the Grey, a well-known right-wing wizard and co-conspirator of Baggins himself. “Frodo made Middle-Earth safe for democracy and now this is how he’s repaid – by facing imprisonment because of a suit brought by the very enemies of freedom! The world’s press is only humiliating themselves by siding with the Servants of the Lidless Eye on this. They have left the path of wisdom.” Gandalf’s statement was published in the National Review and certain fascist online journals, known as “warblogs” to their purveyors and media watchdog groups. The New York Times, Washington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, and most other mainstream newspapers refused to publish the statement, calling it “biased and self-serving propaganda from a known cohort of Mr. Baggins.”

The suit was hailed as a major step forward in the re-establishment of the authority of international law by progressives throughout the world. Trillions of supporters of the suit gathered on the White House lawn in the United States this week to express their approval for the suit, and to protest the American cowboy government’s refusal to recognize the legitimacy of any international deliberative body in even the most weakend and watered-down form. Several American lawyers, including Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz, and Bob Bennett, immediately expressed their intention to assist the Lord of Barad-Dur in his attempt to bring Baggins and the others to justice.

Elrond Halfelven, when asked to comment on the matter, said merely, “Fuck this, I’m outta here,” apparently declaring his intention to seek political refuge in the Uttermost West beyond the Sundering Seas.

Baggins will be taken into custody sometime this week to await trial.
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